I'm Your Azalea

Place me.
Pat me in.
Wait...
Drench me in love
Hydrate me
Coax me
Wait for me...
Wake me
Susurrame
Keep loving me...
Watch me sprout
Watch me unfold before you
Bask in my beauty
Brighten my days up
Now, let me watch your amazement...
But when I die, remember me
Because I'm product of your love and effort.
I'm your Azalea.

Phoenix

I've lived in the embers of what once was my heart for so long. I promised... No, I vowed to rid myself of my perception. My trusting nature nurtured my own demise. I sentenced myself to a life behind walls, guards; an armory at my beck-and-call to stun away any and all intruders. That's what you taught me to see any approaching figure as: an enemy. You approached me in the same way. You promised me happiness and laughter. You assured me that it wasn't going to be easy but you'd try. But you lied! You were dripping gasoline all around me. You distracted me with your eyes... your lips... your touch... You knew my weaknesses. You knew you were my kryptonite. But you walked away when I needed you the most, casually tossed a match behind, and left me for dead. You lit the fire that consumed me.

Had I been on the lookout, you wouldn't have gotten the chance.

But I am through with not allowing the world a glimpse of me. Not because that's the way I wish it to be but because this desheveled self, only a fraction of what I once was, is laying in her own ashes and cannot seem to find a way out.

But I tell you, tonight, I find the courage to rise up out of my ashes like a phoenix. I've surged my pain with my will and produced enlightenment, empowerment, invincibility.

I promised myself I'd rise someday...

that day has come.

My... Companions

Avoiding and running have been my companions until now. But come tomorrow, they will have no choice but to abandon me. Leaving me exposed. My deformed heart in hand, my broken soul trailing behind. I will have to face the very thing I have been running from.

Some friends avoidance and running turned out to be.

Inquietud

Yes, my post title is in Spanish. There's a reason. I'm digging deep into what roots me and I've had a look around. Spanish is a big part of it.

I hate when my father and I fight. Let me make the emphasis that needs to be made on that. I DESPISE when my father and I fight. He is the one person that I know will always be there for me unconditionally. When we fight, I feel like the ground gives way beneath me. My world stops for those moments and it sucks. There's really no other way to describe it. I feel unsettled by everything and everyone.

Random Thoughts

Ever wonder if the whole ordeal of parallel universes actually existed? Well, I'm wondering about it now. Another version of me but completely different. It'd be nice to meet her... or him. Is it possible to be an opposite sex in one of those universes? How does it all work? The human mind loves to quantify things and be able to give some kind of concrete, scientifically tested and proved answer. There are things you simply cannot quantify. I'm waiting for the day they begin to quantify emotions. I guess, in a way, that has already begun to happen. Isn't that technically what psychiatrists do? They try to measure just how crazy you are... and then try and help you un-crazy yourself. My mother wants me to be a psychiatrist. She says I'm a natural. What does that mean? I consider myself a good listener. I don't feel the need to say anything to some people sometimes. Other times, I give advice to try and help them maneuver through whatever problem they find themselves in.... Oh, dear... I see what my mom means now. I can't help it! Ever since I can remember, this has always been a thing with me. People flock (over exaggeration, but you get the point) to me and ask me for help. I never knew why, and after a while I stopped questioning it. Instead I began to perfect this innate... ability?... talent?... skill? I don't even know what to call it. Am I the same way in all these universes? Do these innate acquisitions change throughout these universes? I do not even know how to begin answering that question. I don't know where this life will take me. I speak as if my life controls me, so allow me to correct myself. I know where I want to go, I just don't know the up-and-coming challenges I will be facing on my way there. I'd like to know. I can only prepare for whatever may come. Even if I don't even know what will come.

Same Mistake

Why do I place myself in these positions? I do not understand why in the world I place myself in difficult positions. Do I not think myself capable of being in a functional relationship? Can we just take a moment for me to think? I cannot believe that I have let myself fall into this crap, again! I have been unintelligent more that a few times but I'm able to just take that mistake into account when a similar predicament shows up again. This, however... this particular situation that I find myself in, keeps coming back, keeps showing up, keeps throwing me off. I hate it. I have told myself not to use that word (at least not as often as before) and I've done a pretty good job of doing so. But, this? This requires the word "hate" to be used. I hate it because it always ends the same way. Why do I find myself compatible to people like him? I don't consider myself an ass (although, quite frankly, I've become more of an ass now more than ever) but I place myself among them. Why in the world would I feel the need to do that? What does this tell me about myself? You should know, that be asking these questions now, here, I expect them not to invade my every thought and dream later on. Wishful thinking? Most likely. But I do not lose anything in trying. Now you know. Now you see the questions that immobilize me in the middle of the night, the questions that impose themselves into every corner of my mind, the questions that will haunt me until this problem receives the only solution there is to it. But that is very far away from the now and so I have nothing to subside its rise. I cannot but hope that it falls on me like the morning dew, cool and calming. Wishful thinking, again? Very much so. When it hits, it strikes down like a thunderbolt and there is no avoiding it, no hiding from it, no running away from it. It hits. And there I lie... beaten, battered, holding on to dear life by a very thin string. And then I get back up, dust off, lick my own wounds, and keep moving... toward the same mistake. Will it be my demise?

UNLOCK LOVE IS WAR | Zion Is Here | @hillsongunited #welcomezion

UNLOCK LOVE IS WAR | Zion Is Here | @hillsongunited #welcomezion