Same Mistake

Why do I place myself in these positions? I do not understand why in the world I place myself in difficult positions. Do I not think myself capable of being in a functional relationship? Can we just take a moment for me to think? I cannot believe that I have let myself fall into this crap, again! I have been unintelligent more that a few times but I'm able to just take that mistake into account when a similar predicament shows up again. This, however... this particular situation that I find myself in, keeps coming back, keeps showing up, keeps throwing me off. I hate it. I have told myself not to use that word (at least not as often as before) and I've done a pretty good job of doing so. But, this? This requires the word "hate" to be used. I hate it because it always ends the same way. Why do I find myself compatible to people like him? I don't consider myself an ass (although, quite frankly, I've become more of an ass now more than ever) but I place myself among them. Why in the world would I feel the need to do that? What does this tell me about myself? You should know, that be asking these questions now, here, I expect them not to invade my every thought and dream later on. Wishful thinking? Most likely. But I do not lose anything in trying. Now you know. Now you see the questions that immobilize me in the middle of the night, the questions that impose themselves into every corner of my mind, the questions that will haunt me until this problem receives the only solution there is to it. But that is very far away from the now and so I have nothing to subside its rise. I cannot but hope that it falls on me like the morning dew, cool and calming. Wishful thinking, again? Very much so. When it hits, it strikes down like a thunderbolt and there is no avoiding it, no hiding from it, no running away from it. It hits. And there I lie... beaten, battered, holding on to dear life by a very thin string. And then I get back up, dust off, lick my own wounds, and keep moving... toward the same mistake. Will it be my demise?