Eyes

It's hard not to notice the sadness sometimes...

I see their eyes, and they cause a deep, transcending experience into their gray scale dimension. No silver lining, no light at the end of the endless tunnel. Just gray. Sure, there are different shades of gray to tell the objects in this space apart. You know that there have to be objects in this particular dimension, otherwise this would just be a dimension of delusion, insanity. Discerning it is what keeps the mind from being influenced into insanity.

Sometimes they put on that war paint to hide the sadness. They illuminate the corner of their eye and bring some color and brightness to the somber backdrop. Who are they kidding? But sometimes the war paint mirrors the sadness. The curves of the black pen take on a despondent turn, a depressive sigh materialized. And I begin to examine those lines further, but my eyes begin to sting. And right before I back away, I notice the glossy look of their eyes and the red veins rooting themselves in their eyes. I know they're about to explode with vigorous emotion. I take a step back anticipating the mushroom cloud, and see myself staring back, convulsing in tears and repressed sentiments...

"They" is me.

Shit.

Sympathy from a City Gal

I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but as a (practically) born and bred New Yorker, I am becoming way less selfish than I boasted I was not even a year ago. A couple days ago, I was approached by a young man sitting on the train that I came into. I, of course, with the nasty glance that only a true New York gal can give a man, shrugged him off and moved out of his line of sight. The young man then got up from his seat and came over to me. Now, the number one thing you learn whilst in the city that never sleeps is guys that approach you that way are usually creeps to no end.

However, this young man (who was my same age) was genuinely interested in striking up a conversation. I was not interested from the very start in this guy, but his realness and, frankly, courage are what lead me to not turn him away. Not a lot of guys these days will come up to a girl interested in actually getting to know the girl. Often-time, what girls are greeted with is catcalling and perverted remarks.

While we may feel flattered and disgusted at the same time, we are also annoyed already. It was oddly refreshing to not have to deal with either the catcalling or perverted remarks. I admit, I was little more than receptive to this encounter. My responses consisted of very short comments in contrast to his info digging genuinely curious questions. At the end, he asked for some form of contact path where we could keep in touch. I, again, was not too keen to the idea of handing out my info to a perfect stranger, so I provided him with my Twitter and justified my reasoning by saying it was the only social network that I really used which is not too far from the truth (although, lately, I have been on Tumblr for the majority of my time).

Earlier today, in the Starbucks where I am currently writing from, I witnessed another one of these curious interactions. A 15 year old boy was sitting with his mother. In walk a group of college boys and they order their Starbucks and grab seats a couple feet away from the boy. All of a sudden, the boy speaks up and asks one of the boys if it’s alright to ask him a question. The 19 year old boy says yes. Now, what happened next shocked me. The 19 year old boy who was approached did not mind continuing the conversation. In fact, it was both of them who tangoed. And, for the cherry on the cake, I was not at all annoyed by their interaction. Let me clarify something for you non-New Yorkers. Even if we are not the ones approached but we are witnesses to an attempted approach, WE STILL GET ANNOYED AND ARE ANNOYED FOR THE OTHER PERSON.

I did, for a couple split seconds, let my mind wander to those thoughts, but overall, I was pleasantly surprised how cooperative the latter party was. The 15 year old boy told the 19 year old boy that he didn’t have many friends and didn’t mind making new friends. He then proceeded to ask if the 19 year old boy could be his friend. And the latter accepted. This really did warm my heart.

And finally… I was sitting on the bus yesterday and I know this bus always gets packed.

I always sit in a single seat. No matter how many bags I have, I am never that ass hole that takes up two seats for him and the non-living objects in his accompaniment. When the bus is beginning to get full, an older woman mounts the bus. I can see and very clearly tell that she is tired of standing. But I continue to sit. I do not give my seat up to her. I consciously made a choice to not be one kind of asshole, but a different kind of asshole. Now, this is where I new that the New York mindset is one very hard to get rid of. I was battling with myself the whole time. Pretending to disregard her and feeling terrible because being courteous was not second nature to me. When she got off the bus, I beat myself up for about 3 seconds and then felt relieved that that pressure I had been self-imposing, was gone. I feel horrible about that and it is definitely not one of my brightest moments.

The change that I am slowly but surely to make is one of a wholistic nature. If I want to be good, every aspect of my life needs to vow to make that change, too. Because once you delve into that goal, you cannot waiver and you cannot falter.

Simon

Oh, I finally see what you're doing here. This is a game to you. It's all a game. You may have my interest at heart, but that's just a fraction of what's going on here. It's most certainly not a game of monkey see, monkey do. The see monkey doesn't do right, so the do monkey can't possibly do right either. No, the is a game of Simon says. You say, I do. Simon does whatever he wants, but I still have to do as he says and not shows. Well, I'll play along. I'll follow everything you tell me. I'll cross my t's and dot my i's. But I'll be waiting until you seem confident. And before you even know what hit you, it'll hit you. And you'll regret the day you made me play along. You'll rue it, I swear.

My... Companions

Avoiding and running have been my companions until now. But come tomorrow, they will have no choice but to abandon me. Leaving me exposed. My deformed heart in hand, my broken soul trailing behind. I will have to face the very thing I have been running from.

Some friends avoidance and running turned out to be.

Inquietud

Yes, my post title is in Spanish. There's a reason. I'm digging deep into what roots me and I've had a look around. Spanish is a big part of it.

I hate when my father and I fight. Let me make the emphasis that needs to be made on that. I DESPISE when my father and I fight. He is the one person that I know will always be there for me unconditionally. When we fight, I feel like the ground gives way beneath me. My world stops for those moments and it sucks. There's really no other way to describe it. I feel unsettled by everything and everyone.

Random Thoughts

Ever wonder if the whole ordeal of parallel universes actually existed? Well, I'm wondering about it now. Another version of me but completely different. It'd be nice to meet her... or him. Is it possible to be an opposite sex in one of those universes? How does it all work? The human mind loves to quantify things and be able to give some kind of concrete, scientifically tested and proved answer. There are things you simply cannot quantify. I'm waiting for the day they begin to quantify emotions. I guess, in a way, that has already begun to happen. Isn't that technically what psychiatrists do? They try to measure just how crazy you are... and then try and help you un-crazy yourself. My mother wants me to be a psychiatrist. She says I'm a natural. What does that mean? I consider myself a good listener. I don't feel the need to say anything to some people sometimes. Other times, I give advice to try and help them maneuver through whatever problem they find themselves in.... Oh, dear... I see what my mom means now. I can't help it! Ever since I can remember, this has always been a thing with me. People flock (over exaggeration, but you get the point) to me and ask me for help. I never knew why, and after a while I stopped questioning it. Instead I began to perfect this innate... ability?... talent?... skill? I don't even know what to call it. Am I the same way in all these universes? Do these innate acquisitions change throughout these universes? I do not even know how to begin answering that question. I don't know where this life will take me. I speak as if my life controls me, so allow me to correct myself. I know where I want to go, I just don't know the up-and-coming challenges I will be facing on my way there. I'd like to know. I can only prepare for whatever may come. Even if I don't even know what will come.